I legit think that my preferred loneliness has finally driven me insane...
Thinking I've grown accustomed to the loneliness since I'm not going to be able to get rid of it, for a time I didn't mind being a total introvert. Every day I'd go home, and stay there. The only time I go out is with my parents because I have to since they want me to spend time with them. I don't even spend time with friends anymore...yeah I know...scary. I just don't feel the need to anymore since I constantly feel like I'm growing apart from them and the days have become so mundane. Also, with the realization that hanging around my friends only causes me to be involved in unnecessary, unimportant, pointless high school drama, I slowly pulled away from them for that fact. I guess I'm just tired of being dragged into problems that shouldn't even involve me. So then I went along with the preferred loneliness.
I had actually thought that having my own time could help a lot. For a time, it did. I got a lot of thinking done and about what I want in life. I sorted out my thoughts for life, love, and such. I managed to write a whole lot. I completed 15 chapters in one week, talk about insane. And if you know me my chapters tend to vary from 5000 words onwards. That's just bizzare right there. So for a while I actually thought loneliness was, well, a friend I guess. It helps. I helped me see that in life, all I want is a stable job, no matter how banal or jejune it is. Like any other girl, I wish to get married one day, but that dream is fleeting and fading away with all the problematic marriages I've seen, and upon seeing how I always fail to get into a good relationship, marriage is off the line. I want to have my own house or apartment if I live in the city one day, and own a nice car (even though the one I have now is PRETTY awesome).
In love all I really ask for is a guy who is willing to understand and accept me. He doesn't have to be hot, smart, or funny, or sexy, or whatever. Just someone who's willing to hear me out, at least try to make me smile or laugh or try to make my day. Maybe a little sweet and thoughtful would help too. Just someone who listens to me, and talks to me. Someone who just likes me for me. Someone who is willing to spend time with me no matter how boring it may be. Just someone...
So with that I thought loneliness was helping right? Oh I was sooooo wrong. I think the loneliness is driving me insane now. It's given me so much time to think that I'm confusing myself. It's given me so much time to write that I'm losing the feeling and the fun of writing, losing inspiration. It's given me so much time alone, that I'm starting to feel a little sad and lonely. A little envious too. I'm always a bit envious of my friends, how they always seem to be able to find good love, even if its fleeting. How things in their life always seem to go right. How they don't have anything real to worry about while me, I actually have to worry about the stupid US economy for God's sake, my parents are in such a hole! How come other people have it so much better? If I try to answer that question according to my religion (Buddhist), I'll say that in my past life I must have been such a bitch and now I'm forced to pay it all back in this life. If I answer that question scientifically, well then I guess my looks and personality just aren't appealing. Oh well, either way I accept that fact.
Ugh I'm going crazy. My own room is a jail cell...
You remind me of myself at an earlier stage. One important thing I learned is that the loneliness is essential to becoming a great writer. Friends, family and whoever else will either stick around or wave goodbye. It may sound sad but it is just the way things must be most of the time.
ReplyDeleteYou will be all right. Everything will be all right. :-)