Lately, things have been a little slow for me. To be honest, I feel like half of me is dead already. I don't want the other half to die too, I don't want it to. In the past couple days, I've nearly been called out several times for lying about myself. A normal girl my age would be pretty sad or scared, but for me, I don't really care. So what if I lie? If my life isn't perfect, don't I have the right to at least make an illusion that it is perfect? There's no wrong in living in a fantasy world. Reality is way too cruel anyways. Lying is my way of coping with the fact that life is a mundane world and that reality is too, too cruel. Lying keeps my heart beating everyday because as I lie, I trick my foolish heart into believing that one day, all my beautiful little lies will become reality. What do I lie about you may ask? Well I'm sorry but that is my thing to know and yours to find out. One thing though, I lie about the things I lack. The love, the honesty, and the care that seems to be missing from my life. Mostly it's the love and the romance.
And now for my one, my love. In all religion, in all beliefs, and in all hearts and minds, we all believe that our one true love exists somewhere out there, we just have to find each other. As for me, at the end of the day I'm still only a girl, and I still yearn for the love and care that my life lacks. I too am wondering where he is, my one true love. When I am lonely, I would wonder where he is, whether he is happy or sad, how his day went, is he smiling, and why he has kept me waiting for so long. I haven't met him yet, at least if I already did, neither of us have realized yet, I know that for a fact.
All these years that I've spent searching for him, I find it unfair as so many others have already found theirs, but yet mine is still missing. Where in the world is he right now? Why has he kept me waiting for so long? I don't ask for much do I? Just a boy who loves me and will allow me to love him with all my heart. All these years that I have waited for him, I wonder where he is now. I wonder if he's just like me, lost, lonely and sad. I wonder if he is searching for me too. If he is, I wonder why faith must play us both as fools and not allow us to find each other. Maybe we have to wait a little longer until we see each other, who knows. Or maybe, in life there are many unlucky people who never find romance, maybe I'm just one of those people.
But I don't want to be. So where in the world is he? I long for his love, I yearn for him to hold me. So much that almost every night I fall asleep, I'd try to imagine a boy, smiling at me, taking my hands, meeting me halfway, and asking me where we both have been for so long. I just want him to appear in my life, make himself visible. I want to love him, to care for him. There are many things that I want. I want him to appear and to smile. I want to know what makes him smile. I want to know what his fears are so that I know to sheild him from them. I want to be there for him, and I want to love him. I want to be the girl he misses seeing, and I want to miss him. I want to care for him, to wipe his tears when he is crying, to make him smile when he is sad, to take away all his worries. I want to hug him, to hold his hand. I want to kiss him. I want to brag that he is my one and that he is the best in the world. I want to say that he is my perfection. Is that really so wrong? Even though I can't cook, I want to learn how to for him. I want to eat with him. I want to talk with him on the phone for hours. I want to fall asleep in his arms. I want to mess with his hair. I want to be the one who gets him to smile after a bad day. I want to see his smile that lights up my whole world. I want to listen to songs with him. I want to write about him. I want to draw him and think about him. I want to love him.
Sadly in this cruel reality, I'm afraid I won't ever find him. Why? Because I am not that lucky in the department of love and romance. I've seen many, many people part from this world without romance in their life. I'm afraid I may be one of those people. No matter how much I don't want to be, my entire past is reflecting on that truth. I know I am not that lucky to find him. So, that's why I lie that I already have. I lie so that I don't feel as broken. Maybe one day when he finds me, he can see through all my lies but still want to be with me. Am I a fool for thinking that way? Really is it so bad that I am lying about something so silly?
...
Who am I kidding. I'm not that lucky in the love and romance department. Every single relationship I've had only ended in tears with me being the one hurt. Everything I do always backfires and blows up in my face. Everything. Who am I kidding about love at first sight or a sweet and silly little love story. Life isn't that simple. Life is sadly all about fame and money, if not one then the other. For me, my entire past leads me into believing that I will never find him. I guess I will just have to live with my silly little dreams. Sometimes my dreams are so vivid I wake up thinking they really did happen and I really was with him. If only they become reality. Sadly, life isn't that charitable. Sadly...
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Well enough of me stressing about love and romance that my life lacks. ^_^ So lately I've been pretty busy with school and I don't have the chance or emotions to write much anymore, but rest assured all the works that I have started I will finish some day. Hmm, also I've been pulled back into the obsession with Harry Potter...I'm silly and weird I know ^_^ But well so I've been re-reading Harry Potter and re-watching Harry Potter. The weird thing is, I don't love the main characters, I actually love two very small characters in Harry Potter. Lupin and Tonks...I just can't get enough of them and wish that J.K. Rowling never killed them off...or at least gave them more screen time in the story. But hey, I don't create life. So sadly, I'll just have to live with the little time they get. Aish, Lupin and Tonks...hahahaha, I'm weird I know. Deal with it. ^_^
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