Summer Comes, Another Year Ends

Just as a note, I was so depressed when I realized that for me, school doesn't end until June 7th...:( everyone else I know is off already like so not fair!

Anyways, back to the post. It's summer time and I can't help but feel a sense of relaxation coming to me. I honestly don't know what I'm going to be doing this summer because my family is kind of the (oh btw pack ur bags we're leaving in ten minutes) kind of family, fun right? But just the thought of summer is great. Those long nights where I have nothing to worry about but if I still have any food left in the fridge. They sound nice. I really need a break right about now, so just a few more days of school yay!

My loneliness and I guess minor case of insomnia...well the lonely part kinda got enhanced with a couple songs I listened to (great) but it's being pushed away. I found other stuff to keep me occupied such as writing and messing around with my brothers (sometimes family is just great). As for the insomnia, it's going away completely. I sleep like a pig now that school is ending. I guess it's just the pressure.

(sigh) But through these I still can't stop dreaming. Summer's coming and another year is ending so I should probably grow up and pull away from my dreamer side, but I can't help it. Dreaming requires nothing at all but time and some thought process and a little innocent desire.

What I dream about now? I dream about long summer evenings being spent with him...that faceless, nameless guy who won't leave me, won't walk away from me like many others already had. I'd try to picture him, but a million (sorta mayb a hundred) faces pop up into my head (some of which I don't even know in person lol). Then I'd dream about just taking long walks with him, and just talking. Just something simple like that makes me smile, I don't need anything fancy like other girls dream of.

Looking back at some of my dreams, I realize they're only dreams and ironically, whenever I dream of something it never comes true (life is so kind I know). But I don't care anymore. Like I said they're only dreams and I've long accepted that fact. I live for everyday now and the messed up future I know I'm gonna have and wait for itself. Summer's coming (for me others already started) and hopefully some of my problems will subside...romance can wait until the school year starts again. I need relaxation now cuz for the past month I've gone a little bit insane. Just a little ^_^

Going Insane

I legit think that my preferred loneliness has finally driven me insane...

Thinking I've grown accustomed to the loneliness since I'm not going to be able to get rid of it, for a time I didn't mind being a total introvert. Every day I'd go home, and stay there. The only time I go out is with my parents because I have to since they want me to spend time with them. I don't even spend time with friends anymore...yeah I know...scary. I just don't feel the need to anymore since I constantly feel like I'm growing apart from them and the days have become so mundane. Also, with the realization that hanging around my friends only causes me to be involved in unnecessary, unimportant, pointless high school drama, I slowly pulled away from them for that fact. I guess I'm just tired of being dragged into problems that shouldn't even involve me. So then I went along with the preferred loneliness.

I had actually thought that having my own time could help a lot. For a time, it did. I got a lot of thinking done and about what I want in life. I sorted out my thoughts for life, love, and such. I managed to write a whole lot. I completed 15 chapters in one week, talk about insane. And if you know me my chapters tend to vary from 5000 words onwards. That's just bizzare right there. So for a while I actually thought loneliness was, well, a friend I guess. It helps. I helped me see that in life, all I want is a stable job, no matter how banal or jejune it is. Like any other girl, I wish to get married one day, but that dream is fleeting and fading away with all the problematic marriages I've seen, and upon seeing how I always fail to get into a good relationship, marriage is off the line. I want to have my own house or apartment if I live in the city one day, and own a nice car (even though the one I have now is PRETTY awesome).

In love all I really ask for is a guy who is willing to understand and accept me. He doesn't have to be hot, smart, or funny, or sexy, or whatever. Just someone who's willing to hear me out, at least try to make me smile or laugh or try to make my day. Maybe a little sweet and thoughtful would help too. Just someone who listens to me, and talks to me. Someone who just likes me for me. Someone who is willing to spend time with me no matter how boring it may be. Just someone...

So with that I thought loneliness was helping right? Oh I was sooooo wrong. I think the loneliness is driving me insane now. It's given me so much time to think that I'm confusing myself. It's given me so much time to write that I'm losing the feeling and the fun of writing, losing inspiration. It's given me so much time alone, that I'm starting to feel a little sad and lonely. A little envious too. I'm always a bit envious of my friends, how they always seem to be able to find good love, even if its fleeting. How things in their life always seem to go right. How they don't have anything real to worry about while me, I actually have to worry about the stupid US economy for God's sake, my parents are in such a hole! How come other people have it so much better? If I try to answer that question according to my religion (Buddhist), I'll say that in my past life I must have been such a bitch and now I'm forced to pay it all back in this life. If I answer that question scientifically, well then I guess my looks and personality just aren't appealing. Oh well, either way I accept that fact.

Ugh I'm going crazy. My own room is a jail cell...

All in a Bag of Tea

Number One Way to Forget About Love...

Drown yourself in work or something productive or a hobby of yours.

Feeling lonely, I'd usually chat with my friends and get an understanding of what they're doing. But lately, that's just not what I feel like doing any more. I don't know if it's because I'm growing apart from them or what, but I honestly don't care about what is happening in their lives just as much as I used to. Surely I do care when serious things happen, serious as in they're have legit problems or depression of sort, but the other things a part of school life that girls are supposed to care about, things like who they're going out with and such drama plots like that, I just don't care about anymore. I guess it's a good thing, in a way.

Now instead of being a social butterfly like I used to be, lately I tend to hide out in my room a lot. I think I've become rather...weird...or something of sort. For the past week, I've spent most of my time in my room writing. Writing a new story which I've only got the idea sorted out on Sunday and I already ended up on chapter eight today! Talk about getting a lot of things done! And my chapters are pretty long too, varying from 3,000 words to about 5,000. So that's a lot of work. Hmm, I guess it's better than lying around, feeling sad and lonely.

I also found myself enjoying a cup of coffee or tea a lot more than I often do...

Is that bad? I feel like I'm becoming weird or just plain abnormal. I never said I was normal before but this, endless writing, tea and coffee, that's just outrageous! Am I changing? Holy cow I don't even know! Aish, but I guess that's a part of growing up.

But now I'm wondering...

where did all the romance go in my life? Before I would worry so much, worry if I'll ever find him, worry if when I'm older I'll live with a happy family of my own. I used to worry about getting a "keeper" boyfriend. But now...I guess not as much.

Love is a nasty thing for me, for others it's beautiful and addictive but for me it's just plain out gruesome. Every time I fall in love, there's no one there willing to catch me and I'd hit the ground so hard, I'd break something in the process. I guess I'm tired of it now and I'm just looking to live by without being hurt anymore. I guess that's going well since I haven't been thinking about love all that often anymore.

I haven't given up on love though. I believe true love exists, I believe in love at first sight, I believe in the magic of love. I just don't believe that it will happen for me. In my life, to me, love is just a game that only ends up hurting me. I don't think I'll ever get a decent love story with some moments of pure happiness. See, I'm just that unlucky. I would wish, dream, and wonder about falling into a perfect love, one where my heart would race and beat like crazy, where my stomach would jump, toss and turn. But in my reality, that love won't ever exist for me. Why? Well I don't know, if I did I wouldn't be so hopelessly confused. Looking into my future, I'm going to play fortune teller here. In my romance department, I'm either never going to have a sweet love story, or if I have one it will be forced in some way and lead to unhappiness. That's the story of my life that I've finally figured out. Well, I guess if I close my eyes and walk it won't hurt as much...

I'm talking nonsense I know, but that's just how I feel right now. I think it's the tea that's affecting me. I mean I like coffeee but...since when did I come to enjoy tea too?! It's jasmine tea too!!! Like...wow!!!

Don't Think Too Much

Don’t think too much
Just let it pass.
Don’t hold it back
Just let it go.

The more I tug
The more I pull,
The further it gets
The sooner it goes.

Don’t think too much
Just let it be.
Don’t fear the end
Just let it stray.

What’s meant to be
Will find its way.
Don’t force the heart
It won’t be true.

Don’t think too much,
Just close your eyes
And let the world,
Fall into place.

Where is my love and so what if I lie?

Lately, things have been a little slow for me. To be honest, I feel like half of me is dead already. I don't want the other half to die too, I don't want it to. In the past couple days, I've nearly been called out several times for lying about myself. A normal girl my age would be pretty sad or scared, but for me, I don't really care. So what if I lie? If my life isn't perfect, don't I have the right to at least make an illusion that it is perfect? There's no wrong in living in a fantasy world. Reality is way too cruel anyways. Lying is my way of coping with the fact that life is a mundane world and that reality is too, too cruel. Lying keeps my heart beating everyday because as I lie, I trick my foolish heart into believing that one day, all my beautiful little lies will become reality. What do I lie about you may ask? Well I'm sorry but that is my thing to know and yours to find out. One thing though, I lie about the things I lack. The love, the honesty, and the care that seems to be missing from my life. Mostly it's the love and the romance.

And now for my one, my love. In all religion, in all beliefs, and in all hearts and minds, we all believe that our one true love exists somewhere out there, we just have to find each other. As for me, at the end of the day I'm still only a girl, and I still yearn for the love and care that my life lacks. I too am wondering where he is, my one true love. When I am lonely, I would wonder where he is, whether he is happy or sad, how his day went, is he smiling, and why he has kept me waiting for so long. I haven't met him yet, at least if I already did, neither of us have realized yet, I know that for a fact.

All these years that I've spent searching for him, I find it unfair as so many others have already found theirs, but yet mine is still missing. Where in the world is he right now? Why has he kept me waiting for so long? I don't ask for much do I? Just a boy who loves me and will allow me to love him with all my heart. All these years that I have waited for him, I wonder where he is now. I wonder if he's just like me, lost, lonely and sad. I wonder if he is searching for me too. If he is, I wonder why faith must play us both as fools and not allow us to find each other. Maybe we have to wait a little longer until we see each other, who knows. Or maybe, in life there are many unlucky people who never find romance, maybe I'm just one of those people.

But I don't want to be. So where in the world is he? I long for his love, I yearn for him to hold me. So much that almost every night I fall asleep, I'd try to imagine a boy, smiling at me, taking my hands, meeting me halfway, and asking me where we both have been for so long. I just want him to appear in my life, make himself visible. I want to love him, to care for him. There are many things that I want. I want him to appear and to smile. I want to know what makes him smile. I want to know what his fears are so that I know to sheild him from them. I want to be there for him, and I want to love him. I want to be the girl he misses seeing, and I want to miss him. I want to care for him, to wipe his tears when he is crying, to make him smile when he is sad, to take away all his worries. I want to hug him, to hold his hand. I want to kiss him. I want to brag that he is my one and that he is the best in the world. I want to say that he is my perfection. Is that really so wrong? Even though I can't cook, I want to learn how to for him. I want to eat with him. I want to talk with him on the phone for hours. I want to fall asleep in his arms. I want to mess with his hair. I want to be the one who gets him to smile after a bad day. I want to see his smile that lights up my whole world. I want to listen to songs with him. I want to write about him. I want to draw him and think about him. I want to love him.

Sadly in this cruel reality, I'm afraid I won't ever find him. Why? Because I am not that lucky in the department of love and romance. I've seen many, many people part from this world without romance in their life. I'm afraid I may be one of those people. No matter how much I don't want to be, my entire past is reflecting on that truth. I know I am not that lucky to find him. So, that's why I lie that I already have. I lie so that I don't feel as broken. Maybe one day when he finds me, he can see through all my lies but still want to be with me. Am I a fool for thinking that way? Really is it so bad that I am lying about something so silly?

...

Who am I kidding. I'm not that lucky in the love and romance department. Every single relationship I've had only ended in tears with me being the one hurt. Everything I do always backfires and blows up in my face. Everything. Who am I kidding about love at first sight or a sweet and silly little love story. Life isn't that simple. Life is sadly all about fame and money, if not one then the other. For me, my entire past leads me into believing that I will never find him. I guess I will just have to live with my silly little dreams. Sometimes my dreams are so vivid I wake up thinking they really did happen and I really was with him. If only they become reality. Sadly, life isn't that charitable. Sadly...

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Well enough of me stressing about love and romance that my life lacks. ^_^ So lately I've been pretty busy with school and I don't have the chance or emotions to write much anymore, but rest assured all the works that I have started I will finish some day. Hmm, also I've been pulled back into the obsession with Harry Potter...I'm silly and weird I know ^_^ But well so I've been re-reading Harry Potter and re-watching Harry Potter. The weird thing is, I don't love the main characters, I actually love two very small characters in Harry Potter. Lupin and Tonks...I just can't get enough of them and wish that J.K. Rowling never killed them off...or at least gave them more screen time in the story. But hey, I don't create life. So sadly, I'll just have to live with the little time they get. Aish, Lupin and Tonks...hahahaha, I'm weird I know. Deal with it. ^_^