Innocent Summer Dreams

Ah, it's been a lazy summer so far. But I'm not complaining, I've been needing a break ever since February, ugh. How's your summer? I know mine have been quite mundane but relaxing. ^_^

So, in the past week or two, I've had so many dreams (very real, very vivid dreams) that I'm starting to think there's a meaning for them. So there are many theories on how people have dreams. Some people say when you think about someone a lot, you tend to dream about them. Some people say when you really want something to happen, you dream about it. Then some people say dreams can be prophets and they tell you what your future may hold. Well, even after all my (somewhat lacking) research on dreams, I STILL don't know why I'm having these dreams. Let me contradict the theories I've listed above ^^^.

Some people say when you think about someone a lot, you dream about them. >> Well I don't think about these people all that often. Maybe once or twice when I'm reminded of them. So why do I dream about them? o.0

Some people say when you really want something to happen, you dream about it. >> I don't really want anything to happen. I'm bored but I'm content with my life as it is. I'm glad it's not getting any worse. So why do I dream about stuff happening? o.0

Some people say dreams can be prophets and tell you what your future may hold. >> Psh, yeah right. I remember many dreams and let me tell you none of them have ever came true or is anything close to coming true. So why do I dream? o.0

And now for my dreams. Hmm, there are certain people in my dreams I really don't want to reveal the names of, so I'll just put the letter of their first name and a brief bio. Then onto the dreams!

C = First ever crush...worst year and a half of my life. Glad it's all over with now! Ok guy.

T = Most latest crush, lasting for about a year? Got over him, now confused between friend or something else. Quite nice guy, not my type though I'm sure.

Hm, so in one dream, T and I were dating. Well we dated before in real life, but for one week and that got absolutely nowhere. But in my dream, well somehow he was different. He was the funnest guy to be with! I swear I might have been smiling while I was sleeping, or grinning like a fool (I'm insane I know). We talked, like had actual good conversations. We kissed, but it wasn't an all physical relationship (ALL I EVER ASK FOR!!! lol). We hung out, and unlike in real life where it would be quite boring, in my dream it was really fun! We were walking, just walking, and joking around, and holding hands. It was some time in the fall, I know because I was wearing jeans and a tee, and it had an autumn like feeling all around. We were first hiding out in my school (apparently we were keeping our relationship a secret?) and we were just having fun! Man, if dreams could come true that'd be nice. Unlike real life how whenever I hang out with T, it'd be so awkward and to be honest kind of boring. ugh =.=

Now for the dream involving C. To be honest, I don't even talk to C anymore so when I woke up realizing I had a dream and he was in it, I was so confused. In the dream, we weren't dating, we weren't kissing, we were just hanging out and again...having fun! We were walking down what looked like a dirt path in this one park I remembered. We were talking and laughing like idiots. Then we played tennis (my best memory with him was when we played tennis together in the seventh grade at an end of the year field trip. Best time with him, very sad I know). After playing tennis we just listened to music. Hmm, quite relaxing.

So now I haven't been dreaming about C that much, but lately I've gotten so many dreams with T!!! It's irritating because they would be so vivid, I'd wake up sometimes wondering if it actually happened, because it'd feel so real, and the time line would match up with the seasons, weather and everything. It's so frustrating when I realize it's just a dream. Before, when I dreamed things I would think it's because I either think about him a lot, want something like that to happen, or it will happen in the future. But after many months, years, I've learned that dreams have nothing to do with real life. But yet...it still bothers me because I'd dream about me, being with the same person, feeling so right, just having fun being together, and then realize it's just a dream. Then in real life I wonder if I like him as a friend, or I'm back to crushing on him again. I know I don't love him though, when I love someone there's a special feeling I get when I look at him, and that feeling's long gone with T. Ugh, I'm so frustrated by these dreams. I don't love T...anymore...but why do my dreams always involve him? It's always him. Why not anyone else? I know plenty of guys who are rather good, but I never dream about them. Just T!!! Oh well, it's summer, no more questions and no more drama. :P Stupid dreams, got be going psycho again.

Summer Comes, Another Year Ends

Just as a note, I was so depressed when I realized that for me, school doesn't end until June 7th...:( everyone else I know is off already like so not fair!

Anyways, back to the post. It's summer time and I can't help but feel a sense of relaxation coming to me. I honestly don't know what I'm going to be doing this summer because my family is kind of the (oh btw pack ur bags we're leaving in ten minutes) kind of family, fun right? But just the thought of summer is great. Those long nights where I have nothing to worry about but if I still have any food left in the fridge. They sound nice. I really need a break right about now, so just a few more days of school yay!

My loneliness and I guess minor case of insomnia...well the lonely part kinda got enhanced with a couple songs I listened to (great) but it's being pushed away. I found other stuff to keep me occupied such as writing and messing around with my brothers (sometimes family is just great). As for the insomnia, it's going away completely. I sleep like a pig now that school is ending. I guess it's just the pressure.

(sigh) But through these I still can't stop dreaming. Summer's coming and another year is ending so I should probably grow up and pull away from my dreamer side, but I can't help it. Dreaming requires nothing at all but time and some thought process and a little innocent desire.

What I dream about now? I dream about long summer evenings being spent with him...that faceless, nameless guy who won't leave me, won't walk away from me like many others already had. I'd try to picture him, but a million (sorta mayb a hundred) faces pop up into my head (some of which I don't even know in person lol). Then I'd dream about just taking long walks with him, and just talking. Just something simple like that makes me smile, I don't need anything fancy like other girls dream of.

Looking back at some of my dreams, I realize they're only dreams and ironically, whenever I dream of something it never comes true (life is so kind I know). But I don't care anymore. Like I said they're only dreams and I've long accepted that fact. I live for everyday now and the messed up future I know I'm gonna have and wait for itself. Summer's coming (for me others already started) and hopefully some of my problems will subside...romance can wait until the school year starts again. I need relaxation now cuz for the past month I've gone a little bit insane. Just a little ^_^

Going Insane

I legit think that my preferred loneliness has finally driven me insane...

Thinking I've grown accustomed to the loneliness since I'm not going to be able to get rid of it, for a time I didn't mind being a total introvert. Every day I'd go home, and stay there. The only time I go out is with my parents because I have to since they want me to spend time with them. I don't even spend time with friends anymore...yeah I know...scary. I just don't feel the need to anymore since I constantly feel like I'm growing apart from them and the days have become so mundane. Also, with the realization that hanging around my friends only causes me to be involved in unnecessary, unimportant, pointless high school drama, I slowly pulled away from them for that fact. I guess I'm just tired of being dragged into problems that shouldn't even involve me. So then I went along with the preferred loneliness.

I had actually thought that having my own time could help a lot. For a time, it did. I got a lot of thinking done and about what I want in life. I sorted out my thoughts for life, love, and such. I managed to write a whole lot. I completed 15 chapters in one week, talk about insane. And if you know me my chapters tend to vary from 5000 words onwards. That's just bizzare right there. So for a while I actually thought loneliness was, well, a friend I guess. It helps. I helped me see that in life, all I want is a stable job, no matter how banal or jejune it is. Like any other girl, I wish to get married one day, but that dream is fleeting and fading away with all the problematic marriages I've seen, and upon seeing how I always fail to get into a good relationship, marriage is off the line. I want to have my own house or apartment if I live in the city one day, and own a nice car (even though the one I have now is PRETTY awesome).

In love all I really ask for is a guy who is willing to understand and accept me. He doesn't have to be hot, smart, or funny, or sexy, or whatever. Just someone who's willing to hear me out, at least try to make me smile or laugh or try to make my day. Maybe a little sweet and thoughtful would help too. Just someone who listens to me, and talks to me. Someone who just likes me for me. Someone who is willing to spend time with me no matter how boring it may be. Just someone...

So with that I thought loneliness was helping right? Oh I was sooooo wrong. I think the loneliness is driving me insane now. It's given me so much time to think that I'm confusing myself. It's given me so much time to write that I'm losing the feeling and the fun of writing, losing inspiration. It's given me so much time alone, that I'm starting to feel a little sad and lonely. A little envious too. I'm always a bit envious of my friends, how they always seem to be able to find good love, even if its fleeting. How things in their life always seem to go right. How they don't have anything real to worry about while me, I actually have to worry about the stupid US economy for God's sake, my parents are in such a hole! How come other people have it so much better? If I try to answer that question according to my religion (Buddhist), I'll say that in my past life I must have been such a bitch and now I'm forced to pay it all back in this life. If I answer that question scientifically, well then I guess my looks and personality just aren't appealing. Oh well, either way I accept that fact.

Ugh I'm going crazy. My own room is a jail cell...

All in a Bag of Tea

Number One Way to Forget About Love...

Drown yourself in work or something productive or a hobby of yours.

Feeling lonely, I'd usually chat with my friends and get an understanding of what they're doing. But lately, that's just not what I feel like doing any more. I don't know if it's because I'm growing apart from them or what, but I honestly don't care about what is happening in their lives just as much as I used to. Surely I do care when serious things happen, serious as in they're have legit problems or depression of sort, but the other things a part of school life that girls are supposed to care about, things like who they're going out with and such drama plots like that, I just don't care about anymore. I guess it's a good thing, in a way.

Now instead of being a social butterfly like I used to be, lately I tend to hide out in my room a lot. I think I've become rather...weird...or something of sort. For the past week, I've spent most of my time in my room writing. Writing a new story which I've only got the idea sorted out on Sunday and I already ended up on chapter eight today! Talk about getting a lot of things done! And my chapters are pretty long too, varying from 3,000 words to about 5,000. So that's a lot of work. Hmm, I guess it's better than lying around, feeling sad and lonely.

I also found myself enjoying a cup of coffee or tea a lot more than I often do...

Is that bad? I feel like I'm becoming weird or just plain abnormal. I never said I was normal before but this, endless writing, tea and coffee, that's just outrageous! Am I changing? Holy cow I don't even know! Aish, but I guess that's a part of growing up.

But now I'm wondering...

where did all the romance go in my life? Before I would worry so much, worry if I'll ever find him, worry if when I'm older I'll live with a happy family of my own. I used to worry about getting a "keeper" boyfriend. But now...I guess not as much.

Love is a nasty thing for me, for others it's beautiful and addictive but for me it's just plain out gruesome. Every time I fall in love, there's no one there willing to catch me and I'd hit the ground so hard, I'd break something in the process. I guess I'm tired of it now and I'm just looking to live by without being hurt anymore. I guess that's going well since I haven't been thinking about love all that often anymore.

I haven't given up on love though. I believe true love exists, I believe in love at first sight, I believe in the magic of love. I just don't believe that it will happen for me. In my life, to me, love is just a game that only ends up hurting me. I don't think I'll ever get a decent love story with some moments of pure happiness. See, I'm just that unlucky. I would wish, dream, and wonder about falling into a perfect love, one where my heart would race and beat like crazy, where my stomach would jump, toss and turn. But in my reality, that love won't ever exist for me. Why? Well I don't know, if I did I wouldn't be so hopelessly confused. Looking into my future, I'm going to play fortune teller here. In my romance department, I'm either never going to have a sweet love story, or if I have one it will be forced in some way and lead to unhappiness. That's the story of my life that I've finally figured out. Well, I guess if I close my eyes and walk it won't hurt as much...

I'm talking nonsense I know, but that's just how I feel right now. I think it's the tea that's affecting me. I mean I like coffeee but...since when did I come to enjoy tea too?! It's jasmine tea too!!! Like...wow!!!

Don't Think Too Much

Don’t think too much
Just let it pass.
Don’t hold it back
Just let it go.

The more I tug
The more I pull,
The further it gets
The sooner it goes.

Don’t think too much
Just let it be.
Don’t fear the end
Just let it stray.

What’s meant to be
Will find its way.
Don’t force the heart
It won’t be true.

Don’t think too much,
Just close your eyes
And let the world,
Fall into place.